Reference:
PM I ll tell you and you can post
think iv'e chickend out.
Turd and a wig go into a bar.
Landlord says, "I'm not serving you."
Turd says, "Why not?"
"Well, you're steaming and your mate's off his head."
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Ham sandwich walks into a bar. Landlord says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve food."
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It's the way I type 'em.
What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What do you call an Irishman who bounces off the walls? Rick O'Shea.
Really really pissed bloke is coming back from pub, pie eyed and dragging himself virtually face down all the way home with his arms. He eventually manages to get to his front door, and after some searching and swearing finds his key and reaches up from the door step to unlock the door. He falls into the hallway, crawls up stairs and somehow manages to drag himself, fully clothed, into bed.
His wife wakes up and says, "Pub rang, you left your bloody wheelchair again."
His wife wakes up and says, "Pub rang, you left your bloody wheelchair again."
I love jokes like that!!
That's the joke by the OP btw - but yours are pretty good too, Fracas!!
The Wide Mouthed Bullfrog joke is my all time fave.... it had me giggling for weeks!
Oh.. and this one. This was the first long joke my son ever told me... he was ten at the time... so I hadn't expected it to actually be funny.....
(I have googled it, and c&p'd it here... cos I couldn't be bothered to engage my brain and retell it in my own words)...
Once there was this man who owned a parrot. Like other parrots, this one could talk but it preferred to swear. In fact it could swear for hours on end without taking a break. The problem with all of this was that the man was a quiet, conservative man and all this swearing was driving him crazy.
One day the parrot was carrying on again and the man had finally had enough. So he jumped up, grabbed the parrot, and starting yelling at it to stop cursing. This only made the parrot curse more until the guy finally lost his temper and shoved the parrot into a cabinet.
The parrot got quiet for a few seconds, but then started cursing even worse. It started scratching at the door and making a horrible racket until finally the man let it out.
Losing his temper completely the man shoved the parrot into the freezer and slammed the door shut. Again the parrot started cursing and carrying on, but then it quieted down and didn't do anything for a couple minutes. By this time the man was starting to get worried that the parrot was dead so he opened the door.
Quickly the parrot flew out onto the man's shoulder and said, "I'm terribly sorry about my foul language and rude behavior. I'll do my best to improve them in the future." The man was stunned at how polite the parrot was behaving and was quite pleased with himself.
Then the parrot leaned over to the guy, motioned at the freezer, and with a look of terror said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
(I have googled it, and c&p'd it here... cos I couldn't be bothered to engage my brain and retell it in my own words)...
Once there was this man who owned a parrot. Like other parrots, this one could talk but it preferred to swear. In fact it could swear for hours on end without taking a break. The problem with all of this was that the man was a quiet, conservative man and all this swearing was driving him crazy.
One day the parrot was carrying on again and the man had finally had enough. So he jumped up, grabbed the parrot, and starting yelling at it to stop cursing. This only made the parrot curse more until the guy finally lost his temper and shoved the parrot into a cabinet.
The parrot got quiet for a few seconds, but then started cursing even worse. It started scratching at the door and making a horrible racket until finally the man let it out.
Losing his temper completely the man shoved the parrot into the freezer and slammed the door shut. Again the parrot started cursing and carrying on, but then it quieted down and didn't do anything for a couple minutes. By this time the man was starting to get worried that the parrot was dead so he opened the door.
Quickly the parrot flew out onto the man's shoulder and said, "I'm terribly sorry about my foul language and rude behavior. I'll do my best to improve them in the future." The man was stunned at how polite the parrot was behaving and was quite pleased with himself.
Then the parrot leaned over to the guy, motioned at the freezer, and with a look of terror said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Ok, what happened to my font?
Guy goes to the doctor's, he says, "Doc, I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse."
"I'll give you some cream for that."
Jelly baby goes to the doctors, says, "Doc, I think I've got the clap."
Doc says, "Why, what you been up to?"
"Ooohh, fucking Allsorts"
Doc says, "Why, what you been up to?"
"Ooohh, fucking Allsorts"
Reference:
man goes into butcher's asks * have you got a sheeps head ? * butcher says no.......... its the way i part my hair lol lol gets me every time
I love 'lean back?' but you have to do the actions
Reference:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
lmfao 
3 elderly guys talking...
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
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i don't wake up til 7...
Why do little chicks walk softly? Because they can't walk, hardly.
What's ETshort for? Because he's only got little legs.
What's ETshort for? Because he's only got little legs.
A man and his wife use the code word 'washing machine' when either of them want to have sex. One night in bed the man turns to the wife and whispers 'washing machine', the wife replies that she is too tired and wants to go to sleep, 10 minutes later the wife is feeling guilty and turns to the husband and whispers 'washing machine' the husband replies 'its ok it was only a small load so I did it by hand'
an old one for ya..
a little lad asked his dad what 'love juice' was, as he'd heard it on tv-a bit taken aback, an embarrassed dad sat his son down an explained the facts of life and what happens when couples exchange bodily fluids
after he's finished, the dad asked what programme his son had watched and heard the term 'love juice'- worried that he was watching late night porn
the son smiled and said
'wimbledon'
a little lad asked his dad what 'love juice' was, as he'd heard it on tv-a bit taken aback, an embarrassed dad sat his son down an explained the facts of life and what happens when couples exchange bodily fluids
after he's finished, the dad asked what programme his son had watched and heard the term 'love juice'- worried that he was watching late night porn
the son smiled and said
'wimbledon'
