Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

True story. A client asked me about some work, asked for a quote

I told him 'Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops.'

Ignorant git goggled like a fish

quote:

Originally posted by Bigdaddyostrich:
True story. A client asked me about some work, asked for a quote

I told him 'Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops.'

Ignorant git goggled like a fish

Not everybody likes Shakespeare and it doesn't mean he is ignorant of other things
We all are ignorant of something

quote:

Originally posted by Puddychops:

quote:

Originally posted by Bigdaddyostrich:
True story. A client asked me about some work, asked for a quote

I told him 'Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops.'

Ignorant git goggled like a fish

Not everybody likes Shakespeare and it doesn't mean he is ignorant of other things
We all are ignorant of something

Oh I agree

This guy was truly thick as pigshit. Sported brown shoes with his suit (label still affixed to the arm)

quote:

Originally posted by Bigdaddyostrich:

quote:

Originally posted by Puddychops:

quote:

Originally posted by Bigdaddyostrich:
True story. A client asked me about some work, asked for a quote

I told him 'Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops.'

Ignorant git goggled like a fish

Not everybody likes Shakespeare and it doesn't mean he is ignorant of other things
We all are ignorant of something

Oh I agree

This guy was truly thick as pigshit. Sported brown shoes with his suit (label still affixed to the arm)

I have never delved into the consistency of pig faeces but I thought this was an appropriate quotation for the ladies to laugh at

There's no trust,
No faith, no honesty in men; all perjured,
All forsworn, all naught, all dissemblers

**4 legs it**

quote:

Originally posted by Puddychops:


I have never delved into the consistency of pig faeces but I thought this was an appropriate quotation for the ladies to laugh at

There's no trust,
No faith, no honesty in men; all perjured,
All forsworn, all naught, all dissemblers

**4 legs it**

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more, Men were deceivers ever, One foot in sea, and one on shore, To one thing constant never.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

quote:

Originally posted by Puddychops:
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Love it!

She's got a great looking husband, a little boy and all the money in the world. She hasn't got the looks, but you can't have everything.
-- Jordan (on Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice)

Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband.
-- John Parrott

He's done more U-turns than a dodgy plumber.
-- Iain Duncan Smith (on Tony Blair's attitude towards Europe)

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”
Mae west

Put your chocolate on the top of the fridge, calories are scared of heights and will jump out to protect themselves.

Love Mae West and Groucho Marx quotes....

“When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.”
Mae West quote


Love thy neighbor--and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.”
Mae West quote

mae west: how big are you tex?
cowboy: six feet seven inches ma'am.
mae west: never mind the six feet,
lets talk about the seven inches.

Mae West
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me

quote:

Originally posted by Puddychops:
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Oooo, I like that, will have to remember that one

woman: are those real diamonds?
mae west: there sure are honey.
woman: oh my goodness!
mae west: goodness had nothing to
do with it honey.

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde


I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde


Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde


Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. - Oscar Wilde


A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. .
- Oscar Wilde


Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde


To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
- Oscar Wilde


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. - Oscar Wilde

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on - Joan Rivers


A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp - Joan Rivers


I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor - Joan Rivers


I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds - Joan Rivers


A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
- Joan Rivers


Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. - Joan Rivers

Tommy Cooper:
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'

'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

And more from the late, great Mr. Cooper:

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. '

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, 'You've been promoted. 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, 'you're managing director. 'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said, ' What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' I said 'you have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'

'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'

quote:

Originally posted by Puddychops:
She's got a great looking husband, a little boy and all the money in the world. She hasn't got the looks, but you can't have everything.
-- Jordan (on Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice)

Thats a bit rich coming from someone who must be about 98% silicone