Suppose it was they who'd changed their names to Halfwit and Dogface. Maybe we'd now be looking at a final comprising Cairon, Beinazir, Angel, Saffia and latecomer Tom. Maybe I'd be writing a post saying this was the worst final ever. Maybe I'd be lambasting BB for making sure Cairon got such good edits and for changing the rules to keep that fiery Russian boxing girl in.
Maybe I'd be acknowledging that at least they got rid of that foulmouthed Marcus and that toffee-nosed Freddie early on, but I'd loved to have seen more of Brummie girl Lisa.
And why, oh why, did they never give that cheeky lad Charlie a chance, sending him off alone on that bus, only three nights in?
Maybe.
That, of course, is the beauty of BB. You never know! I almost always feel very sorry for the early evictees: the Sadas, the Stephanies, the Bonnies, and the Beinazirs. But actually, when you see them return for the final night, they often seem the happiest. The sanest too. They are the ones least warped by the whole experience. It's the ones who come fourth and fifth who look the most jaded. They've got to the final, thought they might actually win. Then they are out to a perfunctory interview, and the spotlight shines on the others still in.
Then they get ignored by the papers who are only really interested in the winner and the girl with the biggest breasts. They don't even make all that much money out of it, either.
Still, that's the game. And the biggest puzzle in all this is, why? BB manipulates so much, yet it can't have actually wanted this final five. I think it all started when Freddie was evicted. It was a close call, and they'd clearly wanted him to stay. John McCririck was on the panel that night, and he was a big Marcus fan. That was why he was there.
Freddie going ruined everything for BB. It was the only reason they'd kept Lisa in as well. Freddie needed Lisa as his nemesis. The longer she stayed, the more likely it was that Freddie would win. Lisa on her own with no enemy and only David for company was a waste of space. Marcus took Freddie's spot as the anti-Lisa candidate. But he swore too much and broke too many BB rules. They had to get him out. Then Siavash took over as the alternative winner. But he broke even more rules that Marcus did.
If Siavash somehow triumphs tomorrow night BB will hate it. It will stick in their craw as much as Rachel winning did last year. He will get bad edits tonight and tomorrow. He will surely come third, behind David in fifth, and Charlie in fourth. He's really this year's Aisleyne. A lot of people are rallying behind him as the anti-BB candidate. But Aisleyne was the anti-BB candidate of BB7 and she never stood a chance.
Why didn't BB give her that chance? Give her - give anyone - a chance to triumph over Pete? Because she was meant to be that year's Bea - a late arrival who ruffled everyone up then leaves to a chorus of boos. She wasn't mean to win.
And Siavash, once he stopped nominating, once he took himself out of the game, never stood a chance to win this. It kind of serves him right too.
In a better world - or at least - in a world as written about a month ago, Noirin would have been evicted on Tuesday, and we'd have had a final five of Freddie, Marcus, Siavash, Rodrigo, and Sophie.
Now that would have been a final. BB blew it. It always does
Maybe I'd be acknowledging that at least they got rid of that foulmouthed Marcus and that toffee-nosed Freddie early on, but I'd loved to have seen more of Brummie girl Lisa.
And why, oh why, did they never give that cheeky lad Charlie a chance, sending him off alone on that bus, only three nights in?
Maybe.
That, of course, is the beauty of BB. You never know! I almost always feel very sorry for the early evictees: the Sadas, the Stephanies, the Bonnies, and the Beinazirs. But actually, when you see them return for the final night, they often seem the happiest. The sanest too. They are the ones least warped by the whole experience. It's the ones who come fourth and fifth who look the most jaded. They've got to the final, thought they might actually win. Then they are out to a perfunctory interview, and the spotlight shines on the others still in.
Then they get ignored by the papers who are only really interested in the winner and the girl with the biggest breasts. They don't even make all that much money out of it, either.
Still, that's the game. And the biggest puzzle in all this is, why? BB manipulates so much, yet it can't have actually wanted this final five. I think it all started when Freddie was evicted. It was a close call, and they'd clearly wanted him to stay. John McCririck was on the panel that night, and he was a big Marcus fan. That was why he was there.
Freddie going ruined everything for BB. It was the only reason they'd kept Lisa in as well. Freddie needed Lisa as his nemesis. The longer she stayed, the more likely it was that Freddie would win. Lisa on her own with no enemy and only David for company was a waste of space. Marcus took Freddie's spot as the anti-Lisa candidate. But he swore too much and broke too many BB rules. They had to get him out. Then Siavash took over as the alternative winner. But he broke even more rules that Marcus did.
If Siavash somehow triumphs tomorrow night BB will hate it. It will stick in their craw as much as Rachel winning did last year. He will get bad edits tonight and tomorrow. He will surely come third, behind David in fifth, and Charlie in fourth. He's really this year's Aisleyne. A lot of people are rallying behind him as the anti-BB candidate. But Aisleyne was the anti-BB candidate of BB7 and she never stood a chance.
Why didn't BB give her that chance? Give her - give anyone - a chance to triumph over Pete? Because she was meant to be that year's Bea - a late arrival who ruffled everyone up then leaves to a chorus of boos. She wasn't mean to win.
And Siavash, once he stopped nominating, once he took himself out of the game, never stood a chance to win this. It kind of serves him right too.
In a better world - or at least - in a world as written about a month ago, Noirin would have been evicted on Tuesday, and we'd have had a final five of Freddie, Marcus, Siavash, Rodrigo, and Sophie.
Now that would have been a final. BB blew it. It always does