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i'm in a bit of a quandary at present.

sorry for the long story...

as some of you are no doubt aware one of our former foster kids is a real "problem child", currently serving a 2.5 year sentence for stabbing someone he is expected to be locked up until at least sept '10.

now the problem is this, his mother has just told him that she has cancer (which given the abuse she inflicted on her children some might say was karma), she has told him that she has cancer of the mouth and for obvious reasons hes pretty upset about this.

i dont know how to handle discussing this, its hard to separate the callous mid 20's year old thug that i know with the upset person on the end of the phone, not just because of who he is and what he's done but also because of his mother.

the problem is this, his mother is an evil manipulative bitch who uses this lad purely for her own ends, he told her that he was going to request to serve his licence on release away from the area he was always getting into trouble in and also to be housed away from the area too, now this means away from her too.

i honestly wouldnt put it past her to be lying about the cancer just to keep him under her spell, after all, she's already told him that she most likely wont be able to visit him and that she could be dead before he gets out, if she "survives" his jail time he isnt going to want to move out of the area, a miraculous remission just prior to his release would force him to be back at her beck and call, i should point out that this wouldnt be the first time she has pulled a sick stunt to mess with him (unless you call slitting her wrist in front of him and telling him it was all his fault to punish him for not doing something she wanted. to be something normal).

if it were true then i would be happy to try to console him to the best of my ability, but if its a lie then getting him to come to terms with her dying would be almost as devastating at the betrayal.


now, i have asked around and cancer of the mouth is something that tends to affect alcoholics and it seems to be fast acting with very low survival rates so it is possible she is telling the truth, i have no way at all of checking if its true or not as i have no contact whatsoever with her, if i'm honest i only keep in contact with he son because he simply doesnt have anyone else he can talk to.

does anyone have any ideas as to how i should handle this (he wont hear that it could be a trick so no point in suggesting that).

Replies sorted oldest to newest

I think I'd go with what Croc said. You're obviously not going to be able to ignore the subject. Be sympathetic but pro-active in your questions. Find out as much as you can about the treatment and you'll be better placed to understand what the reality of the situation is. Don't go in sounding sceptical, if it turns out to be true it could backfire horribly. I understand how difficult this is, my sister has pulled similar stunts in the past.
Queen of the High Teas
quote:
Originally posted by Fan of the girls:
I don't mean to be rude, but well..how on earth with an attitude like yours did you ever pass the tests required fo fostering.


you're not very understanding to other peoples plights, nor should you be airing such private information of your "clients" on a public forum.


i dont take it as being rude, you do make a very valid point and i would never have said anything like that about someone we were looking after however i'm talking about an adult in his mid 20's not a child, truth is, i wouldnt have said anything at all if it wasnt for the fact that this has realy upset both him and me, as to it being on a public forum, this place is full of people who have a lot of experiences that would enable them to offer advice whilst at the same time retaining the level of anonymity that i couldnt have if i was to ask the same question of real world friends, no one on here knows me personally and therefore its the safest way to ask and maintain some degree of privacy.

please trust that i'm not asking this lightly or without some consideration.
B
quote:
Originally posted by Amythist:
As a foster parent do you have support from other foster parents or the fostering agency...sounds like you need to have some proper help and advice.


i could ask one of our social workers but none of them know this bloke or his mother (they are all newer) so i'm not sure the advice i would get there would be any better than i could hope for on here.
B
quote:
Originally posted by Queen of the High Teas:
I think I'd go with what Croc said. You're obviously not going to be able to ignore the subject. Be sympathetic but pro-active in your questions. Find out as much as you can about the treatment and you'll be better placed to understand what the reality of the situation is. Don't go in sounding sceptical, if it turns out to be true it could backfire horribly. I understand how difficult this is, my sister has pulled similar stunts in the past.


yes, i think what croc and tupps have said is probably the best way to handle things.
B
quote:
Originally posted by Fan of the girls:
I don't mean to be rude, but well..how on earth with an attitude like yours did you ever pass the tests required fo fostering.


you're not very understanding to other peoples plights, nor should you be airing such private information of your "clients" on a public forum.



I don't think I've ever read anything that comes across as unkind as your post. In fact, I have to say that I'm shocked. Frowner

The type of person (that the OP obviously is..) that cares and protects vunerable and traumatised children when all else fails, should be applauded not vilified !
MysTerry
quote:
Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:
quote:
Originally posted by Fan of the girls:
I don't mean to be rude, but well..how on earth with an attitude like yours did you ever pass the tests required fo fostering.


you're not very understanding to other peoples plights, nor should you be airing such private information of your "clients" on a public forum.


i dont take it as being rude, you do make a very valid point and i would never have said anything like that about someone we were looking after however i'm talking about an adult in his mid 20's not a child, truth is, i wouldnt have said anything at all if it wasnt for the fact that this has realy upset both him and me, as to it being on a public forum, this place is full of people who have a lot of experiences that would enable them to offer advice whilst at the same time retaining the level of anonymity that i couldnt have if i was to ask the same question of real world friends, no one on here knows me personally and therefore its the safest way to ask and maintain some degree of privacy.

please trust that i'm not asking this lightly or without some consideration.



maybe i jumped in head first to quickly.

sorry. Hug it's a bit clearer now after your explanation.

I hope it works out with a positive ending for all parties involved.
FO
quote:
Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:
quote:
Originally posted by Amythist:
As a foster parent do you have support from other foster parents or the fostering agency...sounds like you need to have some proper help and advice.


i could ask one of our social workers but none of them know this bloke or his mother (they are all newer) so i'm not sure the advice i would get there would be any better than i could hope for on here.


I would have thought social services would be the best people to contact..even if they are newer staff.Failing that,there will be liason services at the prison who should be able to help.They will have plenty of experience in this field.Sadly many young people who end up offending have troubled backgrounds same as your lad.
M
quote:
Originally posted by tupps:
You said he is currently in custody.. is it worth speaking with someone at the Prison to see if there is any support available for him there? I'm sure HMP have support groups for prisoners and their family etc.


thats not a bad idea, could get him some help without him needing to know it came from me since calls can be monitored and he was told by phone.
B
quote:
Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:
quote:
Originally posted by tupps:
You said he is currently in custody.. is it worth speaking with someone at the Prison to see if there is any support available for him there? I'm sure HMP have support groups for prisoners and their family etc.


thats not a bad idea, could get him some help without him needing to know it came from me since calls can be monitored and he was told by phone.


Just had a squizz at HMP website.. and there is a section with advice & support on it. Click on it and there's pages of advice/support groups. Big Grin
tupps
quote:
Originally posted by MysTerry:
quote:
Originally posted by Fan of the girls:
I don't mean to be rude, but well..how on earth with an attitude like yours did you ever pass the tests required fo fostering.


you're not very understanding to other peoples plights, nor should you be airing such private information of your "clients" on a public forum.



I don't think I've ever read anything that comes across as unkind as your post. In fact, I have to say that I'm shocked. Frowner

The type of person (that the OP obviously is..) that cares and protects vunerable and traumatised children when all else fails, should be applauded not vilified !


yes you are probably right to say this, but to me it did seem a bit uncaring, until a further explanation was given.

apologies have been made so i shall now back out the thread and let the people who know about these things give thier input to what is such a difficult situation.
FO
quote:
Originally posted by Fan of the girls:
quote:
Originally posted by MysTerry:
quote:
Originally posted by Fan of the girls:
I don't mean to be rude, but well..how on earth with an attitude like yours did you ever pass the tests required fo fostering.


you're not very understanding to other peoples plights, nor should you be airing such private information of your "clients" on a public forum.



I don't think I've ever read anything that comes across as unkind as your post. In fact, I have to say that I'm shocked. Frowner

The type of person (that the OP obviously is..) that cares and protects vunerable and traumatised children when all else fails, should be applauded not vilified !


yes you are probably right to say this, but to me it did seem a bit uncaring, until a further explanation was given.

apologies have been made so i shall now back out the thread and let the people who know about these things give thier input to what is such a difficult situation.



I apologise too x
It was an immediate reaction to your post, but maybe I should have waited before I engaged my fingers Wink
MysTerry
quote:
Originally posted by tupps:
quote:
Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:
quote:
Originally posted by tupps:
You said he is currently in custody.. is it worth speaking with someone at the Prison to see if there is any support available for him there? I'm sure HMP have support groups for prisoners and their family etc.


thats not a bad idea, could get him some help without him needing to know it came from me since calls can be monitored and he was told by phone.


Just had a squizz at HMP website.. and there is a section with advice & support on it. Click on it and there's pages of advice/support groups. Big Grin


i did look at that tupps but the only one that seemed to come close was the samaritans however i'm going to contact the prison directly tomorrow morning and ask them if they have any kind of service.
B
quote:
Originally posted by MysTerry:
quote:
Originally posted by Fan of the girls:
quote:
Originally posted by MysTerry:
quote:
Originally posted by Fan of the girls:
I don't mean to be rude, but well..how on earth with an attitude like yours did you ever pass the tests required fo fostering.


you're not very understanding to other peoples plights, nor should you be airing such private information of your "clients" on a public forum.



I don't think I've ever read anything that comes across as unkind as your post. In fact, I have to say that I'm shocked. Frowner

The type of person (that the OP obviously is..) that cares and protects vunerable and traumatised children when all else fails, should be applauded not vilified !


yes you are probably right to say this, but to me it did seem a bit uncaring, until a further explanation was given.

apologies have been made so i shall now back out the thread and let the people who know about these things give thier input to what is such a difficult situation.



I apologise too x
It was an immediate reaction to your post, but maybe I should have waited before I engaged my fingers Wink


noone should do that, without fotg's original post i wouldnt have given the extended explanation and others could easily have thought the same without saying anything,much better to get a full range of opinions than only one.
B
quote:
Originally posted by Fan of the girls:
I don't mean to be rude, but well..how on earth with an attitude like yours did you ever pass the tests required fo fostering.


you're not very understanding to other peoples plights, nor should you be airing such private information of your "clients" on a public forum.


Clapping Was going to say that myself but you have said it for me,
leeleee
quote:
Originally posted by leeleee:
quote:
Originally posted by Fan of the girls:
I don't mean to be rude, but well..how on earth with an attitude like yours did you ever pass the tests required fo fostering.


you're not very understanding to other peoples plights, nor should you be airing such private information of your "clients" on a public forum.


Clapping Was going to say that myself but you have said it for me,


i take it you didnt read her other posts? because she doesnt agree with that post now.
B
quote:
Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:
quote:
Originally posted by tupps:
quote:
Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:
quote:
Originally posted by tupps:
You said he is currently in custody.. is it worth speaking with someone at the Prison to see if there is any support available for him there? I'm sure HMP have support groups for prisoners and their family etc.


thats not a bad idea, could get him some help without him needing to know it came from me since calls can be monitored and he was told by phone.


Just had a squizz at HMP website.. and there is a section with advice & support on it. Click on it and there's pages of advice/support groups. Big Grin


i did look at that tupps but the only one that seemed to come close was the samaritans however i'm going to contact the prison directly tomorrow morning and ask them if they have any kind of service.


I said on the page before....but surely the prison has some kind of liason service?They will at least have some kind of counselling service.
M
quote:
Originally posted by leeleee:
you still should not be discussing cases like that especially when you discribe things that can identify someone...you do know the law i take it!


There is no identifying personal information in BBBs's post. Off you trot and see if you can find the person he is talking about from the little information given.. we'll meet you back here in 10 years time and I guarantee you'll be none the wiser.

BBBS may not know the law on Data Protection.. but it's pretty obvious from your post.. neither do you.
tupps
quote:
Originally posted by tupps:

There is no identifying personal information in BBBs's post. Off you trot and see if you can find the person he is talking about from the little information given.. we'll meet you back here in 10 years time and I guarantee you'll be none the wiser.

BBBS may not know the law on Data Protection.. but it's pretty obvious from your post.. neither do you.


tupps, there is no worry at all, there were some unique circumstances which i wont disclose in public (or it could help identify someone) that mean a claim against the data protection act would not apply, as to any other sort of tracing, that would be fun, i'm a british subject posting on an american server oh and i'm using a proxy Ninja
B
quote:
Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:
quote:
Originally posted by tupps:

There is no identifying personal information in BBBs's post. Off you trot and see if you can find the person he is talking about from the little information given.. we'll meet you back here in 10 years time and I guarantee you'll be none the wiser.

BBBS may not know the law on Data Protection.. but it's pretty obvious from your post.. neither do you.


tupps, there is no worry at all, there were some unique circumstances which i wont disclose in public (or it could help identify someone) that mean a claim against the data protection act would not apply, as to any other sort of tracing, that would be fun, i'm a british subject posting on an american server oh and i'm using a proxy Ninja


I'm not the one worried about you breaching it.. Wink
tupps
quote:
Originally posted by tupps:
quote:
Originally posted by leeleee:
you still should not be discussing cases like that especially when you discribe things that can identify someone...you do know the law i take it!


There is no identifying personal information in BBBs's post. Off you trot and see if you can find the person he is talking about from the little information given.. we'll meet you back here in 10 years time and I guarantee you'll be none the wiser.

BBBS may not know the law on Data Protection.. but it's pretty obvious from your post.. neither do you.


No but i know the ethics of foster care whether its a past client or not . either way it is a public forum ...why is it when ever someone else does not agree with something, you lot go off your heads , ive never known a forum with such judgmental people... I feel that if someone who knows this kid is reading the post , what damage is that doing! I'm all for asking advice but forgods sake...Basicially saying someone deserves cancer regardless of their parenting skills is quite sick and i dont think the boy in question would be happy to know this discussion went on.
Feel free to attack me all you like Thumbs Up
leeleee
I'm not attacking you.. you implied that a post asking for advice was in some way breaching the law. You can't even i.d the poster let alone the subject of the post. Imo saying what you did was judgemental... so I guess we're all judgemental huh.

The opinions of the OP are just that.. opinions. No-one has really commented on them but have instead seen a FM reaching out for a little bit of guidance and a little bit of feedback from other FMs. Regardless of what you think of the OP, it shows they do care about this young guy.
tupps

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